Not so far from the tree...

Hey lovelies...

I'm going crazy over here.

1. Mom made me eat (again)...
fuck! fuck! fuck! F. A. T. !
The weird thing about it is: when I asked her why won't she leave me alone when I say that I'm NOT hungry, she told me that she used to have an ED (although she didn't call it that way). She was starving herself (aged 15-26) and I was shocked. I mean I remember her being really thin (even now she is about 115 pounds) but when she told me that she was around 90 pounds before she got pregnant, I was left speechless.
That is her explanation of her obsessing over MY eating habits.
Really messed up family = I turned out like this
Nice to know the reason behind it, that's all.

2. I'm going to miss my dance class tomorrow.
Which basically means that I won't be seeing A. until Thursday. Just lovely! Feel the sarcasam?
I'm actually going to Belgrade because of this A-smyle program which is a student exchange program with America. I need to write 2 essays in 45mins. I don't think it'll be too much of a problem for me since my English teacher says I'm a proficiency level user. Hell yeah! Go nerds!

And I have 2 new followers: Dying to be pretty and Bella. Love you girlies <3

Oh, I almost forgot. I think I ate around 1 500 kcal. NEVER AGAIN. Pinky swear.

Stay strong ladies. I <3 you

Winter Girls

Hey lovelies <3

I just finished reading winter girls. I l-o-v-e the book. Thought I'd let you know.

Food wise, the day didn't go so well (mom made me eat) but right now, I can't bring myself to care too much about that.

I feel like I'm going to explode in tiny little hearts all day today. Allow me to explain. I take dance lessons. Last night was one of the nights we practice.We were doing the Vienna waltz first. Our dance instructor said to stand in pairs. Now, I would usually dance with A. , but he was farther from me than this other guy, P. and besides I kind of have a small crush on A. and I didn't want to be too obvious, so I took P.'s hand, and A. went to dance with some other girl.
Here comes the interesting part. When the music started P. said: " Hey, A. do you want to dance with her instead of me?" and then he began to laugh. I was like "W.T.F.? O.o" and A. didn't comment, and my back was turned to him so I couldn't see his face. But then it hit me. A. acctually likes me?
I was happy about it but now Im not so sure. I mean, who in their right mind could like me? I'm as big as an elephant for crying out loud. Not that I think Im ugly or anything. Just plain average. But come on. 155 ibs? F. A. T.
Now that that's out of my system, I would like to hear your opinions on this? please?

Oh, and one more thing. I bought the cutest little boots. I guess I'll post some pictures as soon as I fix my camera. Maybe some pictures of me too, if I gather the courage.

Stay strong ladies. Love you. xoxo

Letting out some steam....

Hey ladies <3

Remember what I said about my water fast? I'm ashamed to admit that it backfired on me... again.
Acctually the 31.10 wasn't so bad (compared to yesterday). I ate like 800-900 cals tops. And I wasn't too happy about it but oh well, what can a girl do except beat herself over the head with an imaginary baseball bat? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. FAT!
1.11. went great. I was really happy and proud of myself. Didn't let a single bite go past my mouth. Yay team.
Yesterday, however, was a HUGE disaster. I don't even want to think about what I ate. It'll put me in a very depressed state. I binged. That's the end of it. I'll do the best I can today
On the bright side yesterday morning the scale showed 69.9 kg, but I know that's just water weight. Nevertheless it made me smile like a chesire cat. On the other hand it'll probably rise up to 71 considering the binge fest yesterday. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I'm an idiot.
Do me a favor ladies, stay strong. ;)

Halloween? Perfect time to change

That girl on the scale is me. I guess Im just to lazy to post a real picture, but oh well.... Right?
I have a fear of the scales. (No wonder, considering how much I weigh cough72kgcough) Not like "Oh, I rather wouldn't" but real fear in a "PLEASE I DONT WANT TO SEE THE NUMBERS" way.
I was a fatty for as long as I can remember.
I was having some problems with my digestive system so I was put on a diet when I was 5.
When I was 7, I weighed 25kg and that was the first time I was told I was "chubby".
In 4th grade I became desperate and cried non-stop about my weight.
In 7th grade I weighed around 66-67kg and sometimes didn't eat for a week just to lower my BMI.
At the start of grade 8, I decided to change. So I did. At that time I began purging, but not only binges but everything that I thought was over my limit. I got from 68 to 62 kg. And than I caught the fly. Right after that I broke my leg around Christmas break so I got back to 71kg. Highest weight ever.
In my 1st year of High school I started throwing up from time to time, even going on extreme diet plans that would usually backfire on me and I would usually binge the next day.
Now, in my sophomore year I need to change. Im 72kg and I've had enough. I need to go down to 55kg before New Year's.
So starting tomorrow Im starting a water fast. I'll see how long I can  resist the temptation that is food.
Btw I'll try to reach 65 kg untill the end of November. See where I'll end up.
Love you ladies <3